"For papa, make him a scholar..."

So I returned to Match.com to make sure my profile was not mistakenly there and I was not somehow going to be billed while not actually being on it. Of course I ended up getting sucked into checking out the options in my neck of the woods - and the results were so incredible I had to share.

First of all, the vast majority of them have profile names that immediately disqualify them. As in: gohogsgohogs, pigsoooooey, singledad158 (I like that this one can't even be more original than 157 other dads).

Second, the cute ones seem to be horribly corny. As in this headline: "an honest, thoughtful, great guy looking for a wonderful girl to snatch me up." He didn't even think to hide that cry of desperation in his profile text!

Third, pretty much everyone has at least one absolutely eggregious deal-breaking characteristic. Like the 30-something who is "trying to make a living writing." Or the guy who is 32 but looking for a woman 21-30. Or the ignoramus whose favorite author is Dan Brown.

And finally, there is the grammar. You would think people would re-read their profiles before publishing them, which leads me to the firm conclusion that some man thought this was correct English: "I have never married and I do not have children in which someday I will hopefully get to have when I meet my special someone." And yes, I checked - this one was American-born, from the South. My favorite incorrect quote was from a foreigner, so I guess we can chalk some of his mistakes to ESL, but even so...: "I lookign for a right Woman who I can give my Hard" (this winning candidate also has THREE kids).